Monday, April 30

Miguel Cabrera still looks like the Ultimate Warrior

Pat Gillick isn't that bad of a GM. Sure, he gave 2 years to Nunez and 3 to Eaton. Sure, he signed Franklin and gave Abreu away for a bag of leftover Yankee scraps. And yes, he is the man that will ultimately be held responsible when Chris Coste kills himself. Our GM did, however, bring us what could be the most valuable pitching component any team can have: Jamie Moyer.

This St. Joes Hawk has been the most pleasant surprise the 2007 Phillies could ask for. Sure, he is 3-1 and is pitching to the tune of a 2.65 ERA. But more than what he gives to the Phillies every 5th day, he is giving to the Phillies for the next 5-10 years. For Cole Hamels to be able to watch the way Moyer pitches is possibly the best thing that will come from 2007 (besides a World Series, of course). Take away Manuel's incompetence as a human being, I almost felt like he had no right to take Moyer out of the game in the 8th inning yesterday. I am not disagreeing with the move or saying Moyer should have been left in. I just feel that Moyer is almost more like a coach than he is a player. I mean seriously, when Dubee takes a visit to the mound, what can he honestly tell him that Jamie doesn't already know? Does anyone think that Dick Dubee is smarter than Moyer?

After two straight games where a potent Marlins offense has collected a hit in every inning, Jamie Moyer was able to shut them down over 7.1 innings for ONLY 2 hits, which was how many hits Moyer collected himself. I don't even know what more to say about Moyer and what he means to this team. So I'll stop talking about him with this: Along with saying a little pray for Chris Coste every night before I sleep, I will now say a little pray that Jamie Moyer will one day become the pitching coach for the Philadelphia Phillies. I cannot think of a better scenario.


I also have to bring up Cabrera's eye black again. I mentioned this the last time the Phillies played the Marlins in a day game. But why does he smother this shit all over his face? Again, I need to draw the comparison to the Ultimate Warrior:

...or maybe I'm the only one who thinks about 1980's wrestling heroes when I see baseball players.


Tonight, the Phillies face a daunting task: Tim Hudson. And while he has been doing wonders for my WSBGMs Fantasy League, I hope he suffers like a Sopranos fan has suffered during this shitty final season. Can Jon Lieber continue this string of strong starts? Bob Wickman has looked very rough his past couple of outings, blowing a save in Colorado yesterday. Might the Phillies be one closer to .500 after today?

Either way, the Phillies have done something that they could not do the previous two years under Manuel: win more than 10 games in April. Now if we can just avoid that June Swoon...

Saturday, April 28

I write this at the top of the 5th inning on Saturday, April 28

Fuck Adam Eaton!

Take this gay smile back to Texas and kill yourself

Friday, April 27

You can't win them all...

...actually, yes you can win them all. But it's just too hard to accomplish. I didn't see yesterday's loss, however, I wasn't shocked by it. Things were going too well for Philadelphia. On the heels of 5 straight wins where the Phillies put up huge offensive numbers, you would think a victory is in the bag when Cole Hamels, fresh off a 15 strikeout performance, is on the mound. Well, unfortunately we all need to be reminded sometimes that we live in Philadelphia and that our favorite team is the Phillies. Need I remind everyone of the number 10,000?

At this point, I am not depressed nor am I thrilled with the Phillies. I'm still very patiently waiting to see the true colors of this team. We've seen them hold the title of "worst in baseball". Then, we've seen the offense explode into a hitting frenzy. WHO ARE THE PHILLIES?! It seems to me that this question cannot ever be answered about this team. Like I mentioned in a post last month, they are consistently inconsistent...from game to game, series to series, month to month, year to year. To deal with these guys over the course of 162 games is our cross to bear.

I will put one thing into perspective, however. On April 18th, when the Phillies were a paltry 3-10, if you were to tell me that this team would have 9 wins by the month's end, I'd be thrilled. So here we are, with four games left in April sitting on 9 wins and 12 losses. We still have the chance to finish OVER .500, if not just a few games under.

Bottom Line: Many fans, including myself, were very worried that the Phillies were going to dig a hole so big in April, that the season was going to be a waste to watch. Of a burial plot that goes 6 feet under ground, the Phillies are only about 2 feet deep. Let's hope they bring their shovels to dig themselves out and their brooms to sweep the Fish.

The Official Phillies Shovel

Thursday, April 26

Dugout Seats

With my current 610 internship coming to an end, my boss gave me a nice little going away present: Two tickets to last night's game, 2nd row right behind the Phillies dugout. I consider myself a humble guy and never really had seats better than the outfield. This was one hell of an experience. I got pictures posted at the bottom of the amazing view.

Some quick game notes and thoughts first
  • Ryan Howard isn't back, but he is getting there. The two-run homerun against the wind was an encouraging sign
  • 5 for 5. Do I have to say anything more about Chase Utley?
  • Jimmy Rollins is absolutely baffling myself and the rest of baseball. 8 homeruns in 20 games is amazing. He is making a very strong case for player of the month honors.
  • Burrell is still hitting and on-basing at a .400+ clip.
  • Matt Smith practically booked his own ticket to Canada last night. When he was walking back to the dugout I screamed out "HAVE FUN IN OTTAWA!!" He didn't look up at me...what a pussy.
  • Lieber is taking over nicely for Myers in the rotation. AND THE FATASS GOT A HIT!! I swear I thought the left fielder had a chance to throw him out before he got to first.
  • I'm 1 for 1 in my prediction thus far for the rest of April.
Two days ago I posted about a fan who was saying the most ridiculously retarded things during the game. I kept my mouth shut then, but couldn't refrain last night. When Burrell was up to bat with two men on, someone said "He is still hitting like .190 with RISP. Look, he only has 8 RBIs." I love jumping in on conversations to prove assholes wrong. I responded "Well Utley and Howard haven't been on base in front of him, so who is he going to knock in? Plus, he is hitting almost .400 with RISP. And his OBP is almost .500." The response from him "You like Burrell?" I responded "Yes, and I get very frustrated when fans hate on him for false reasons. He is too valuable to this team." The conversation continued a little bit longer and they started mentioning his contract and power shortage last season. I turned it all around on them. I should be on a debate team or something.

Player of the game.

Aaron Rowand's "I have to take a dump" batting stance.

Howard prior to his homerun

The Bell after J-Roll's bomb

Click on this picture for an up-close look at El Pulpo's sixth finger

Look at the creepy guy with the black hat staring at these girls

I think they wanted me

Wednesday, April 25

Why were we ever worried?

With seven games left in the month of April, the Phillies have climbed out of the cellar of Major League Baseball, and somehow have a chance to finish the month above .500. Shocking isn't it? Here is how the remainder of the games will play out.

Wednesday vs Washington
Jon Lieber vs John Patterson
  • With an incentive to pitch now (a contract), Lieber now has a good reason to give it his all every start. In Lieber's last outing, he threw 77 pitches over 5.2 innings allowing only one hit and one walk with 5 strikeouts. Being a pitch-count nazi, Manuel pulled Lieber after striking out Adam Dunn. He should be able to reach 100 pitches this game.
  • Patterson has struggled so far this season. At 0-3 with an ERA at exactly 7.00, he has walked 14 batters and given up 20 hits in only 18 innings.
EDGE: Phillies. Riding a 4 game winning streak and a smoking hot Rowand, they will be hard to stop.

Thursday vs Washington
Cole Hamels vs Shawn Hill
  • Our prospect made his debut last May at Great American Ballpark. Then, our ace made his debut Saturday night at Great American Ballpark. I don't care who the Phillies are playing, it's going to be awhile before I bet against Hamels
  • Like I said above, I don't care who Shawn Hill is, we have Hamels on the mound.
EDGE: Phillies....need I say why again?

Friday vs Florida
Freddy Garcia vs Anibal Sanchez
  • Garcia's two starts were nice. Nothing fancy or spectacular, but they were enough to keep the Phillies in both games. Facing a still young Marlins roster, the veteran in Garcia should be able to handle Florida's now cooled-down offense.
  • Anibal Sanchez has been nothing more than decent. Control issues have hurt him as he has walked 12 batters. He is sporting a 4.15 ERA. I don't foresee another no-no from him.
EDGE: Phillies. A better starter with a better offense should be enough to lift them. It's no given and will probably be close considering the fact that our bullpen cannot possibly remain this dominant. This would be a 7 game winning streak and would put us at .500.

Saturday vs Florida
Adam Eaton vs Dontrelle Willis
  • Eaton has been nothing above average. Carrying a 6.46 ERA into this one, Adam has done little to earn the 8+ million dollars he signed for. Take away his first start, however, and his ERA drops to a mediocre 4.73. We hope for the best when he takes the hill
  • Willis has been shaky his past two starts, but is still one of the best April pitchers out there. It is never fun to face the D-train, and this will be one of those times.
EDGE: Marlins. If Eaton can at least keep us in it, however, we should have a good chance at pulling out with a win. Our best hitters thus far, Rowand and Burrell, are right handed and may deal Willis some pain. Let's hope so.

Sunday vs Florida
Jamie Moyer vs. Rick Vanden Hurk?
  • Dating back to last September, Moyer has turned the young Marlins hitters into his bitch. Winning already against them this April, and 3 times last year. Still rocking a solid 3.38 ERA, Moyer couldn't have done more for the Phillies
  • I'm guessing Vanden Hurk being the starter. It may be Mitre, I don't know. Either way, I'm not too scared.
EDGE: Phillies. Moyer has shown no sign of weakness vs Florida. After a tough loss vs Willis on Saturday, the Phillies will be fighting back against whatever bum Florida throws out there. Back to .500 at 12-12.

Monday @ Atlanta
Jon Lieber vs Mark Redman
  • Not much will change since his Wednesday start. Jon still has that contract to pitch for.
  • Redman has showed why he was a last-minute signing by the Braves. Still winless, Mark has struggled in every start besides his one vs Chicago. The Phillies will need to get to him early and often.

According to my genius and extremely biased brain, the Phillies will somehow come out of this dismal month going 10-2 with a final record above .500. Then again that is just me. There is a reason they play 162 games and don't rely on me for answers...although I wish they did.

Tuesday, April 24

Phans Can Agree on 1 Thing

I was pleasantly surprised yesterday afternoon when a friend of mine called me up with the seven best words I could here: "Want to go to the Phillies game?" Of course I said yes. He then added the word "free" in the conversation. I was a one happy man.

It was a great night to be at the ballpark. 70 degree temperature, an offensive onslaught, dollar dogs, magnet giveaways, Jackie Robinson tributes and a near cycle. I can now say that I was there for the first 3-game win streak of 2007. But I'm not here to talk about a great victory, I want to tell you all about the fan who sat to the right of me and the retarded shit that spewed from his mouth. And I should preface this by stating I didn't argue or fight with him. He made some ridiculous statements, and while I wanted to counter-argue his words, I kept other words: I was sober.

Dumb Statement #1
After Aaron Rowand comes up for his second AB: "BOOO. This guy is the worst centerfielder in baseball. He made one good catch but he sucks."
Immediately following this, Rowand doubled. While I do think Rowand is drastically overrated here in Philadelphia due to that catch, he is still an above average centerfielder. To call him the worst one in baseball is insane. And do I even have to mention that he is hitting .364

Dumb Statement #2
After Shane Victorino comes up for this second AB: "This guy sucks. He is only good at fielding, that's it."
Victorino then singled. Oh, and he is hitting .319.

Dumb Statement #3
After Howard strikes out: Claps his hands mockingly then says "Way to go Howard. Way to earn that money. Way to earn that $900,000."
This just confused me. Is he mad that we are paying the reigning NL MVP only $900,000?

Dumb Statement #4
After Burrell struck out (the only time he was retired): "BOOO. 19 million dollars right there. You're worth it all Burrell."
I had to say something here and told him it was 13 million. He didn't really say anything more about this.

Dumb Statement #5
After I see that Matt Smith is warming up in the bullpen, I say "NO! I hate Matt Smith." He replies "Dude, Smith isn't bad at all. He's still young."
So at this point, I realize that he hates Rowand and Victorino and thinks Howard and Burrell are overpaid. But the 27 year old Matt Smith is a good pitcher and is young. Granted, he's not that old, but turning 28 in two months doesn't make him a budding prospect.

I started to see that this kid is a negative, know-it-all prick who truly doesn't know it all. I took the high road and didn't talk shit. There was one point, however, where we saw eye to eye:

When Burrell was lifted in the 6th inning for Michael Bourn, I said out loud "What? SHIT! Manuel is freakin' idiot. It's the 6th inning!" He replied "Yea, Manuel sucks."

We were in agreement on one thing: Charlie Manuel is horrible

Monday, April 23

Streaks and Slurpies

To horribly paraphrase a classic movie, Major League II:

We won on Saturday. We won yesterday, that's two in a row. If we win again today, that's called a winning streak. It has happened before!

I never thought 6-11 would look so good. Now the Phillies need to take a visit to Apu Nahasapeemapetilon at the nearest 7Eleven and get that record closer to .500. Howard homered, Utley doubled, Garcia got the win. All is right with the universe. Let's hope Adam Eaton can continue this new thing the Phillies have discovered: winning

And it always seem unnecessary to complain about managerial moves when a team wins. The ultimate goal of a baseball game is to win, and if a team can accomplish this, there shouldn't be any reason to criticize the manager. This, however, should not pertain to the Phillies trusty skipper, Mr. Charles Manuel. I just have a few questions/complaints about Sunday's game
  • Why is a bench player, Greg Dobbs, batting ahead of Aaron Rowand, who has the 7th highest batting average in the National League? Manuel's reasoning is probably the whole lefty vs righty situation that is completely overblown by everyone in baseball, especially Charlie.
  • Freddy Garcia was brought to Philadelphia to be a workhorse and eat innings. Then why the hell did Manuel take him out of the game in the 6th inning when he only threw 89 pitches? He may have let the first two men on, but this team is going to need their starters to go deeper than 5 innings if they are going to have a shot at winning. And don't give me give me a "he was on a pitch count" answer. I hate pitch counts and the pussy pitchers who live and die by them.
  • Along with the above argument, when there are two men on base with no outs, you would hope for a strikeout. Now, why did Manuel bring in our only reliever who has yet to strike someone out? Not to mention that Matt Smith is the worst reliever we have. He may have gotten through 2/3 of the batters he faced, but why does Manuel keep giving the ball to him in tight situations?
  • Another bullpen query. I wasn't watching the last 2 innings of the game, but why was Brett Myers in the game in the ninth during a mop-up situation? Shouldn't someone like Rosario be pitching here? Why waste our best pitcher (he still is) with a 7 RUN LEAD!!!
  • Does Gillick, a supposed baseball man, see these obvious faulty moves? And these aren't even big faults of his. He has had MUCH worse.
I guess it must be annoying to here me complain about the manager after the Phillies won a game. I just always get that sense that the Phillies win games in spite of Manuel's moves...and not because of them. Sorry for being a negative douche. It did feel great to finally win back-to-back games.

Who's thirsty for a slurpy?

Sunday, April 22

Hamels Loosens the Phans Noose Slightly

What more can anyone say about how much Cole Hamels means to the Philadelphia Phillies? In his four starts thus far this season, Hamels has left each game in line for the W. The bullpen blew his first two leads and thankfully got through his third. In his fourth start, Hamels gave the bullpen the finger and took the nine innings himself. Unfortunately, work prohibited me from witnessing the best game of the 2007 season, but after reading about it on the internet and listening to 610, I have something to say to Phillies fans:

Attention Philadelphia, our long awaited ace has finally arrived

The loss from Friday is still stinging and unforgivable, but this is the initial step to heal the wounds. And the first step to a possible winning streak, which I should mention would be the first one of the season...and we are almost a week away from May!

Also, in honor of Cole Hamels, I thought I would make up some of my own Cole Hamels Facts
  • Cole Hamels dared Charlie Manuel to fight Howard Eskin. Manuel didn't want to, but no one says "no" to Cole.
  • Cole Hamels loves Driven To Deep Center.
  • Since he is such a nice guy, Cole Hamels pitches to Chris Coste on his off days to remind Coste of the "glory days."
  • Cole Hamels is the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby.
  • More than an hour of the team meeting held yesterday was Hamels telling stories of his childhood. This is way more important than winning baseball games.
  • If you look closely, you will see a wet spot around Charlie Manuel's crotch every time he walks to the mound to take Hamels out of the game. Manuel is very scared to tell Cole to stop pitching.
  • The Spartans in 300 were based off of Cole Hamels.
  • Cole Hamels kicked Ryan Howard's knee causing him to sit out for a few days so he could think about what a shitty hitter he has become.
  • The only reason Cole Hamels married Heidi Strobel was for tax benefits. Hamels is still very much a bachelor and still brings home a new chick every night.
  • Cole Hamels got angry the Phillies turned a triple play. He wanted to strike the next three batters out.
  • Cole Hamels loves freedom and democracy so much that he gets offended when people call him King Cole.
  • The only thing sad enough to make Cole Hamels cry was when the Phillies were eliminated from playoff contention in 2006. Hamels has vowed to never cry for this reason again.

Friday, April 20


There was talk going on by some readers yesterday about some analogies for the Phillies and Charlie Manuel. And in the past week, I have talked about how the Phillies are like a drug that you can't quit no matter what it is doing to you. So I have compiled a list of different vices that I feel are comparable to the 2007 Philadelphia Phillies.

Charlie Manuel: Heroin

Our trusty skipper is a downer. Much like heroin. Our trusty skipper is painful. Much like heroin. Our trusty skipper, according to Gillick, will be around for awhile. And just like Manuel's job security, an addiction to heroin will unfortunately stick with you for quite some time. Heroin is also an embarrassing habit that everyone attempts to keep a secret. This is tough, however, due to the marks it leaves on your arms. Manuel is also an embarrassment that we fans wish to keep out of the public eye. But with the media hungry whores that we are, Manuel is everywhere. We need to kick this habit.

Offense: Caffeine/Energy Drinks
Coming into the season, the Phillies offense was suppose to be one of the most high powered and dangerous lineups in the National League. Lead by Rollins and powered by Howard, they were expected to put up 5+ runs every night. And they look promising...half of the time. They get on base at a ridiculously high rate and always have men in scoring position. This is where the caffeine kicks in. We, as die-hard fans, get jacked up and ready for a big inning. But much like red bull and coffee, we crash very hardly due to their inability to score runs. The offense gets us up, then sets us right back down.

Starting Rotation: Alcohol

The first two and half weeks of the season have been up and down for the starting staff. Garcia is out, then in. Myers is dominant, then horrible, then demoted. Sergovia spot starts then goes back down. Eaton sucks, then produces quality, then goes average. Saves the lefties, our starters have been an incredibly inconsistent bunch. Getting drunk is the same way. When drinking beer, I'm a happy drunk. I've never drank vodka without getting sick. Rum is a liquor that goes down smoother than water, while I can't take more than 2 sips of gin. Whiskey...well whiskey may turn me into the incredible hulk. Basically, from drink to drink and start to start, both the rotation and alcohol will always act differently.

The Bullpen: Going to a truck stop bathroom at 3AM wearing chaps and Elton John sunglasses

Coming into the season, we knew the bullpen was bad. We all knew that it would suck and that it wasn't wise to start 2007 with the relief staff we had. It was a poor decision on Gillick's part to enter the season with no set-up man and no backup closer. And much like going forward with our bullpen, it is NEVER a good idea to stop at a truck stop late at night, go into the bathroom with your best pair of chaps on while sporting some "Sir Elton" shades. Both the bullpen and this scenario are equally horribly.

Pat Gillick: Gambling habit

This is one of the only analogies that is true. Pat Gillick must have a very bad gambling addiction and it is one that is currently killing this baseball team. So far, he has gambled on:
  • Ryan Franklin
  • Alex Gonzalez
  • Abraham Nunez
  • Julio Santana
  • Rod Barajas
  • Ricardo Rodriguez for Padilla
  • Karim Garcia
It is still too early for Barajas, but all of these moves ended up as failures for Gillick and the Phillies. Like most gambles, Pat lost money with these chumps.
I also just noticed the date: 4/20. I guess I should have compared something on this team to weed. Hmmm....

Thursday, April 19

There is just too much to talk about

For a team that has produced nothing worthy of our recognition, there is a ton of news that any blogger could talk about. And while senior year of college plus my job is killing my baseball time allotments, I will do my best to run through the issues surrounding the Phillies and give my holy opinion on each.

The Bumbling Hick vs The Stammering Dick

There are few people I hate more than Howard Eskin. He is a self-serving douchebag and is an annoyance to listen to. But I found it hard to get mad or accuse him of the fiasco that took place two nights ago. And while he instigates a ton of shit with a lot of people, there is no excuse for how pissed off Manuel got. Charlie is clearly frustrated with this team and took it out on a sleezy shithead in Eskin. I wish they both fought each other and fell off a cliff in the process.

Our Ace in the Bullpen

When I first heard this on the radio, I immediately called up my 3 biggest Phillies fanned friends (??) to confirm/ask for reasoning. I, for one, hate the move.
  • Is this a demotion?
  • Is this to get Lieber starts so we can trade him?
  • Is this because our bullpen is THAT bad?
  • Whose call was this?
  • Why is it as a set-up man?
  • Are we trying to make Brett the next Papelbon?
All I know is this is what happens when you fail to accomplish shit in the offseason, Pat Gillick. Congratulations GM, the team you assembled was SO BAD that we had to convert our ace to a 8th inning reliever. Hey Gillick, is it fun being a fucking puppet for Montgomery and the crew? Grow some balls.

I'm Jumping in on the Movement

The "Fire Manuel Movement." I've never been against the idea but never pushed for it. The homies over at WSBGMs have been calling for it for awhile and I now join their march. For my reasoning, I have three questions to ask you:
  1. Is Charlie Manuel a good manager?
  2. Are there better managers out there?
  3. Is this team winning?
If you answered NO, YES, NO to those three questions, then a replacement should be in order. The same can be said for any manager in baseball. Manuel isn't high on the list of reasons for this deplorable 3-10 start, but he isn't innocent either. A change of pace can only be good for this team.

One Last Note

PLEASE SELL THIS TEAM TO COMPETENT OWNERS! The players are at fault but this organization is set up like a pyramid. It all starts at the top and trickles all the way down to the bat boys in the dugout to the field crew who pulls out the tarp to the guy who gets the players sunflower seeds to the guy collecting tickets to the dude with dreads in the parking lot playing "Take me out the ballgame" on the saxophone. NO ONE IS ABSOLVED!!

...You are all losers in my book

Wednesday, April 18

The Phillies are SO COOL

Wow. How great is Philadelphia baseball?!?!

Every night that the Phillies are scheduled to play makes my life a joy. At 7:05, I sit in front of the T.V. waiting for the best baseball team of all-time to 'wow' me. I never get nervous with the lineup Manuel constructs. I know that every night the starting pitcher is going to give Philadelphia 7 strong innings. And if he doesn't, I know the offense is going to score over 8 runs to back him up. They always get on base and never have problems knocking men in. If there is a runner in scoring position, I know the batter will get him home. Watching the bullpen is a treat. It is lights out from them. Any lead, from one run to ten runs, is safe in the arms of the relief staff.

Pat Gillick (AKA the best GM of all time) has done a great job of putting a winner on the field with absolutely no holes. Defense, offense, starting and relief pitching is all top-notch. And not only did Gillick put great players on this roster, he also kept a genius on the staff to manage this bunch of all stars. He never embarrasses us fans or this franchise with his educated quotes. I mean, check out this work of art:
"It can go both ways. If we come out tonight and score a lot of runs, I'm going to say, 'Yeah, it helped us.' If we don't, I'll say, 'Darn, those two days killed us.'"
Yep, things are really looking up for the Phillies fans of this amazing city.

I almost feel too blessed. God must love me. No matter how bad a day at work was or how much my family or friends are pissing me off, I KNOW that I have the Phillies to put a smile on my face everyday of the year. No day is gloomy in Philadelphia so long as the Phillies are playing. A complaining Phillies fan is merely an idiot who doesn't appreciate the winning franchise this team truly is.

Thank you Pat Gillick. You have given so many fans in this city something to be grateful for. go fuck yourself!!

Monday, April 16

My weekend without baseball

My weekend away from Philadelphia was very rough. Not to get into my personal life too much (because I don't think anyone cares and my life isn't that exciting), but I went to Washington DC for a Sorority Formal on Friday and spent the weekend there. And even though the Phillies are off to one of the most deplorable starts in recent history, I couldn't stop texting friends who were at the game on Friday night to find out the score. I was ultimately disappointed but amazed to hear that there were over 130 arrests made Friday night at the stadium for underage drinking. Damn kids...

Saturday, instead of walking around our Nation's Capital and enjoying the sights of DC, I sat in front of my friend's computer and watched the pitch by pitch on the Gameday. I must say, for anyone who isn't from the Philadelphia area, it is an excellent tool.

And then Sunday (my birthday), I was suppose to drive up to Philly very early in the morning to make it back to the stadium. The plan was to attend the game with some buddies. Mother nature, however, is a dirty whore and decided to ruin my birthday. I'm buying a Hummer and driving cross country to get back at her for this.

Overall, I thought what I needed was a weekend away from the Phillies, it turns I just can't leave them. I'm like Jared Leto in Requiem For a Dream: I can't leave my addiction no matter how much I know it is messing up my life. I'm so pathetic.

...for anyone who never saw Requiem For a Dream, Leto plays a heroin addict. The Phightins are my heroin. Also, go rent the movie. It is amazing.


If Mother Nature decides to stop pms-ing over Philadelphia, I will be going to see our "big offseason move" finally in action against my current least favorite team. Some questions may be answered:
  • Can Freddy still be effective?
  • Will Freddy dominate the NL like we were told?
  • Will Freddy's velocity be back to normal?
  • Can the Phillies put together their first winning streak of the season?
  • Will Ryan Howard stop making us worry?
  • Will Rollins continue his impersonation of Howard?
I hope for a "yes" to all of these, but won't hold my breath.

Friday, April 13

Blame Jose Reyes

The Phillies had their flaws last night. You saw it, I saw it. For me to list them here might be redundant and infuriating for both yourself and myself. Read one of the blogs to the right or go to for a recap. I won't piss you off with what happened last night. I plan, instead, on getting out my hatred for Jose Reyes. He is to blame for all that is wrong with the world.

We all know he destroys the Phillies. His line vs. them:
.333/9/26 with 18 stolen bases in 56 games.

Every time he comes to the plate versus them, I cringe with anger, fear, depression and an intense feeling of blind rage. I'm not lying. I get legitimately angry when he gets a hit or steals a base off of the Phillies. My friend Bill, pictured right, can best sum up my feelings about him.

So in honor of Jimmy Rollins' two homeruns last night, here are 11 things you should know (and see) about Jose Reyes:
  1. On the night of April 3, Jose whispered "nappy headed hoes" repeatedly into Don Imus' ears while he slept. This in turn sparked Imus to call out the Rutgers womans basketball team sparking a ridiculous national outrage.

  2. Is best friends with Gavin Floyd (my other enemy)
  3. Shaved Britney Spears' head, thus killing my childhood fantasies...even though she was a fat whore before that.
  4. Tried to stop the release of 300, possibly the coolest movie of all time.
  5. He doesn't think Carmen Electra is hot.

  6. Got Arrested Development, one of the funniest shows ever, canceled.
  7. Thinks Keanu Reeves is one of the best actors of our generation.
  8. Prefers Tremors 2 over the original Tremors.

I will probably post these pictures many more times this season during upcoming Mets' series. This is the third post they have surfaced on thus far. I honestly cannot stand playing against him. He is the devil.
I also want to note that this is the 100th post on Driven to Deep Center. But this is no time for celebration. THE PHILLIES ARE 2-7! And I don't even know who to blame anymore.

Thursday, April 12

Eaton Shocks, Old Lefties Await

Win number two couldn't have felt any better. I never thought having a 2-6 record could feel so good. Maybe it is because it was against our hated rivals. Maybe it was because it broke a 3 game losing streak. Or maybe it was because 2 and 6 are the numbers Chase Utley wears. But within the three hour game last night, Phillies fans witnessed many promising signs.

  • The first being that Eaton has the ability to throw a quality start. We aren't going to get Lidle-like consistency each game from Eaton, but last night showed that while he can blow a game like last Wednesday, he can control one as well.
  • The second sign of promise was 2 innings of scoreless relief. Alfonseca and Gordon shut down the Mets from Jose Reyes to Shawn Green. I'm not going to say our bullpen worries are over and that Alfonseca will be the best set-up man in the National League, but it was a huge weight off of Philadelphia's shoulders.
  • The third aspect of last night's game that should be considered is the pitching of Oliver Perez. It doesn't seem like he will be reverting back to 2004 any time soon. He still has no control and may become a hole in the Mets' rotation. It is still early, so I'm not casting a comeback year totally out of the question. But seven walks is a horrible sign. Anything that leads to a weakness on the Mets team is fine by me.

Tonight's Game
Two aging, veteran, crafty, savvy, calm, controlling, classic, baseball-smart lefties face off in what could be the most boring pitching match-up of all time. Glavine will only throw junk on the corners and will somehow get the calls from the umpire. And Moyer will take 25 minutes to pitch an inning, especially when Jose Reyes is on base. I am looking forward to the game, however, I am not in any way excited about hearing Wheeler talk about these pitchers. All those horribly cliche adjectives I said in the beginning of this paragraph are sure to come out of his mouth throughout the entire game....

"You see Sarge, he just plays the game the right way. He is baseball smart. He is a typical lefty. A veteran. He's all class. He is a dirtball type of player. He has the Phillies' number."

"Yea. Well now you see, what Glavine was trying to do there was pitch the ball to the batter, Ron Howard, and get him to miss the pitch with his bat after he swings at the baseball with it. He throws the ball with his left hand, you see, which puts Howard at a disadvantage. The pitch was pitched by the pitcher and the hitter didn't hit the baseball with the bat...which is just bad hitting. Overall it was a good strategy that worked in the favor of the opposing team."

"Would you guys shut the fuck up." (holds gun to his head) "Hold on Whitey I'm coming."

Oh, the good old days:

Wednesday, April 11

Never Forget What You Love

The off-day, while it was nice to give me time away from the heartache, just reminded me how much I actually love baseball. The Phillies suck and have caused me to almost have a heart attack 6 times in the past week, but a day without a baseball team to care for has done wonders for me. I say this because last night I went to the Sixers game. My boss at WIP gave me courtside seats and while the Sixers won, it was NOTHING compared to a Phillies game. Maybe it was because the Sixers aren't going anywhere and maybe it is because I was partially intoxicated the whole time, but watching our basketball team win a game was nothing compared to watching our baseball team. Even if I was courtside, I'd rather sit in the nosebleed section at Citizens Bank Park. For Christ's sake, it is our national pastime. This game is in our blood.

So besides Pat Burrell, Cole Hamels and Jamie Moyer, there is nothing good to write about concerning the Phillies. But has a bad baseball team ever stopped us before? And is this a bad baseball team? Right now...hell yes. But in the long run, will this team really tie with the Nationals for the worst team in baseball? Both you and I know the answer to that.

So stop crying and act like a man...
  • Ryan Howard stepping to the plate still gives you the chills
  • Watching Hamels gives you hope for the future
  • Utley is still your favorite player
  • Victorino's play in right field still makes you yell from your couch at home
  • Rollins is still your general

This is time of the year we have been patiently waiting for since October 2, 2006. A slow start after just 7 games isn't going to knock you off the bandwagon this quickly, is it? I could write a 2,000 word essay on how I feel the Phillies team should be fixed and on who I think the blame should be placed upon. Those issues can be debated more than the moon landing. But at the end of the day, this team is still your passion.

Basically, decide for yourself who is at fault in this organization. But don't ever give up on this matter how many times it seems they have given up on you.

Tuesday, April 10

There are somethings money can't buy

A new Phillies trash can to replace the horrible dents I put in the old one: 15 dollars
Peroxide and Band-aids for my bloody knuckles: 8 dollars
Touch up paint to fix the marker explosion on the wall: 10 dollars
A new pair of socks that got bloody from kicking the steel frame on my bed: 3 dollars
A new hamster ball that was smashed: 7 dollars
Watching the Phillies start the season off 1-6 for the second straight year and finding a way to apologize to my dog for screaming at it: ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE!!!!!!

Here is something to ponder that a buddy of mine said yesterday:
"I don't know who I hate more right now, the Phillies or the Mets"

And below is an actual letter I wrote up with full intentions to send to the Phillies GM. It is quite long so if you are bored and have the time, read through it. If you don't read it, I don't blame you. I don't want to read about the Phillies problems anymore either.

Dear Mr. Gillick,
My name is Michael Bornmann and I have been a Phillies fan for the past 22 years of my life. I am sure that I don't need to tell you that in that span of time, I have only seen the Phillies go to the playoffs once. And we both felt differently at the conclusion of that World Series.

I am writing to you because I feel like I can speak for a lot of Phillies fans who pay very good money to buy tickets, merchandise and food at Citizens Bank Park. I need not to remind of the horrendous start the Phillies have gotten off to once again. You know how the fans in this city are and something this horrible will not pass by quietly. So the question needs to be asked, what have YOU done to this baseball team to improve it?

You came here to take over for an incompetent GM who could not accomplish a given task, which was to win enough games to get into October. The fans in this city have had enough and you were a breath of fresh air. We knew your track record and could not wait to see what you could do to this miserable franchise.

Your first offseason was nothing to write home about. Trading Thome was the right thing to do and Aaron Rowand seemed to make sense. The farm system got two young, promising arms and we all knew Ryan Howard would shine. Your free agent acquisitions, however, all failed. If they weren't traded or released, they barely hit above .200 on the season. Everyone in Philadelphia gave you a free pass since it was your first year. The Abreu deal was one of the worst in team history. No news to you, we lost 3 more games than in 2005.

Your next offseason seemed better. You had two main objectives. Regardless of what some idiots in the media were saying about protection, you needed to get 5 reliable starters and strengthen a beaten up bullpen. You got Freddy Garcia in return for Gio Gonzalez, a very promising prospect. I was willing to accept this because I also wanted to win now. You also signed Adam Eaton to a 3 year contract. I also let this pass to see what else you had planned. Besides Wes Helms, however, that was all you did. Our bullpen, a major problem in 2006, was not changed.

You kept Charlie Manuel, a man who cannot manage a bullpen at all, for another season. Mr. Gillick, far be it from to tell you how to do your job, but how on God's green earth could you not do anything more than sign Antonio Alfonseca for the bullpen. It was obvious by July that Gordon had little left and we had no in-house options. I have heard you say a countless number of times that everyone is looking for bullpen help and that it is tough to come by. I see this as merely a shallow excuse for a job poorly done. A good GM finds a way to fix patches on a team.

Because of your incompetencies to give our manager a strong set of relief pitchers, this town is now calling for his head. The owners, and yourself, are hiding behind Charlie Manuel letting him take the blame for all of these losses. Sure the offense hasn't been hitting and Manuel
is a bad manager, but the real blame of this April belongs to yourself. You are ultimately responsible for what has happened thus far. With a bullpen that the Phillies could have relied on, they would easily have 3-4 more wins. Possibly more. And how many wins did we miss the playoffs by in 2005 and 2006?

It has become clear to us fans over the years that the Phillies owners do not care enough about winning and care only about the money they put in their pockets. And since we all know people will stop going to the ballpark, hence decreasing the money in their pockets, you will have to fire Charlie Manuel to show a commitment to winning. And I personally agree with the move. Manuel being gone can do no harm to this team. But let me present this to you: A club with a payroll at almost a 100 million dollars should
not have to fire a manager in April to keep fans interested in the team.

I should note also that all of the stars on this team and the only reason the Phillies have a shot to win are players that you had nothing to do with. Utley, Howard, Rollins, Hamels, Myers, Burrell (yes Burrell), and Victorino were all here before you arrived.

I did not write this letter to be a smartass and if you even read this at all, I doubt you will give any thought to the words I have written. I wrote this to ask you to please fix the state of Philadelphia's baseball situation. There is still a bunch of time to keep fans interested in this team. And I need to let you know that if the Phillies DON'T make the playoffs this season, the blame from me (and possibly thousands more) will rest solely on your shoulders. You have had the time and money to improve this team, yet you have done little to help.

Michael Bornmann

Sunday, April 8

TRYING to find the good

Is it time to start panicking? Only two series into the season and the Phillies have given us nothing to smile about. Same old, same old...
  • Their manager still makes you shake your head
  • Their inability to drive in runners still makes you furious
  • Their inability to capitalize on walks is still frustrating
  • Poor defense and fielding decisions are still killing our starters
  • The bullpen has not been improved
It's the same old shit every year with this team. I don't want to hear "this is a new energy" or "the chemistry is different" anymore. The Phillies strike out too much and turn into little leaguers when their are men on base. Here is something that will put a bullet in your head... In the 4 innings the Marlins' bullpen pitched, they gave up 3 hits and 7 walks. Of those 10 people that were on base in those 4 innings, 1 man scored. The bases were loaded twice, both times with only one out. Again, only 1 FUCKING RUN SCORED!

The good that came out of Sunday:
  • Segovia, if Victorino was playing in RF and Helms knew how to field, would have pitched one hell of a Major League debut
  • Pat Burrell is the only Phillies to have a hit in every game this season.
  • Pat Burrell also showed off his cannon gunning down Uggla at third
  • Howard finally had an extra base hit
  • Rollins had two more walks
  • Geary is probably the only reliever I still feel comfortable with
The bad:
  • Barajas
  • Hitting with runners on
  • Alfonseca's true colors seem to have finally shown
  • Fielding fundamentals...weren't the new coaches suppose to help that?
  • 1-5 AGAIN...weren't the Phillies suppose to get off to a hot start this time?

The Phillies April Motto: "There is still a lot of baseball that needs to be played."
Unfortunately, their October motto: "We'll get them next year"
And their March motto: "We have to get off to a hot start this time."
....It is a never ending circle of frustration and anger.

Four games back with only one victory heading into New York for the Mets home opener. I wonder how those Mutts fans are going to treat our boys.

On a lighter note, am I the only one who couldn't help but think of the Ultimate Warrior when I saw Miguel Cabrera's eye black? This is best picture I could find of him on the internet...

And now the Ultimate Warrior....

Also, Olsen's eyes always look like he just got done crying:

And one last note to Mr. Pat Gillick:
Rosario and Bauer are NOT the answers to our season. Keep fishing for relief.