Helloooooooo

I'm alive and no, I don't have a new girlfriend, bloodstripes. I'm a player boy, you know that (not really). I'm adjusting/interviewing/moving/lazy/figuring-out-summer-plans ...and in the midst of all that, have left DTDC unattended and for that I apologize to anyone who semi-enjoys reading the shit I spew. I don't even know where to start for this post and it won't be very long. Within the next week, I will begin to post on a more regular schedule and such. But enough about my boring life....

WAS LAST NIGHT NOT THE MOST UN-FULFILLING WIN OF ALL TIME!?!?!?!

I was in the midst of watching the season finale of Lost and switched back and forth during commercials. So since I can't totally give an honest recap of the win (if it can be called that), I'll just copy down some of the text messages I received during the game from my friends who were watching it.

• "Rod Barajas is a fucking piece of shit"
• "Brett Myers' wife is very happy he hurt his beating arm"
• "Chris Coste anyone?"
• "This season is over."
• "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"
• "Manuel should be kicked in the balls"
  
• "Come over and screw me you big bastard" (that was from one of my honeys)

All of those were real...well...maybe one of them I made up.

What can I even say? If Myers is out for the year or an extended period of time, I would have to say this season is through. If not, MANUEL IS STILL RUNNING THIS TEAM INTO THE GROUND. Make no mistake about it, his overuse of Myers (and possibly Hamels?) is something that needs to be taken into account everyday by Pat Gillick. Unfortunately, I do not believe that it is. Then again, it is Gillick's fault Manuel has no arms in the bullpen. It is a vicious circle that leaves me crying.
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So once again, I am sorry for such a delayed absence. I wish I was working on my left handed pitching (Carson) and I wish I was negotiating with pirates (Mike) and I wish I was celebrating (Jacobin)...but sadly I was just busy with "life." What a dumb thing it is anyways.

And here is something to make up for me being lazy

The Phillies beat 24

...Not in ratings or anything monitored by the Nielson Media Research. Rather the Phillies beat 24 in my heart, which I think is more important. With the Phillies trailing the best team in the National League 6-2, I thought it would be safe to watch 24 and witness Jack Bauer kick some ass. Since I'm a loyal phan, I kept the game on in the bottom right hand corner using the crafty PIP feature. But halfway through the 8th inning, there was no reason for me to keep watching 24. The Phillies, in one inning, gave me and a crowd of over 29,000 fans more excitement than 24 has all season. It was the best win of the season and is the kind of game where winning streaks are born. If you missed, I feel bad for you. Interesting sidenote though, both teams combined for 24 hits...ironic, don't ya think.


And upon watching Brett Myers record the final out of the game for his fourth save in as many chances, I have this to say: If Tom Gordon returns from the DL and is still considered the closer of this team, I will lead a brigade into Charlie Manuel's office and take him out. I know Corey and Carson will be with me and I can probably guarantee that mcd and jacobin will be there. If Bloodstripes can make it from Australia, he is welcome as well. Let's get a small army going if a horrid choice like this is made.


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On another note, Spring Training started almost exactly three months ago. What would you say if I told you then, that these things were going to happen in three months:

• The Phillies were able to win 5 straight games but still be without a sweep
• Jimmy Rollins leads team in homeruns and hit all 9 in April
• Brett Myers is pitching in the bullpen
• Pat Burrell started the season hot but still hit only one homer in April
• Jon Lieber has an ERA below 3 as a starter
• Freddy Garcia (the innings eater) has the least amount of innings pitched as a starter
• Even though we knew Eaton wasn't going to be a stud, that he was going to be this bad
• Ryan Howard is hitting .204 and is on the DL
• Wes Helms has apparently lost the start starting job at 3B to Abraham Nunez
• Abraham Nunez is batting around .300
• Aaron Rowand has hit multiple times in the leadoff spot and is hitting around .350
• Chris Wheeler and Sarge would be in all nine innings and would sound THIS bad

Admit it, you'd call me crazy. I don't blame you, I'd probably slap me too.

Graduation

Four years of collegiate education and I am finally done with this nonsense known as school. Sure, it was fun at times, but never having to study for a test ever again or type up a paper gets me happier than Carmen Electra can. I graduated from LaSalle University yesterday and now have to enter something called the real world. Who cares right? This is a Phillies site. But I figured I should tie in the theme of graduation as it pertains to this baseball team. So what Phillies have finally graduated into stud players?

1. Cole Hamels
• I don't even need to give reasoning. A once highly regarded prospect who has blossomed into an ace every team would want. Second in the league in wins. Second in strikeouts. First in pimping. Cole Hamels is one player who truly deserves his own webpage.
2. Shane Victorino
• Finally got a chance to start regularly when Gillick gave Abreu away for nothing. He did enough to earn a spotting start in 2007 and thus far has done more than enough to keep it. One of the best arms in baseball. Amazing speed/defense. Third in the league in stolen bases and will probably become the leadoff man in the next couple years, if not months. It is safe to say that Shane should be around for quite some time.
3. Carlos Ruiz
• Philadelphia has been starving for a catcher to make us smile. Ruiz comes with defense and pop. He has above average speed for a backstop and has come up with some big hits. He leads NL rookies in hitting and is in the top 3 or 4 in many rookie categories. Manuel, for some reason unbeknown by me, continues to trot him out batting 8th behind suckers like Nunez, Werth and Helms. Chooch has, however, won the starting job over "super veteran" suckass Barajas. Thank God.

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And since I was busy with school activities over the weekend, here is my lightning quick weekend wrap-up:

• Burrell is awesome.
• When did Dobbs learn to hit?
• Lilly may have dominated us, but his last name is still lilly...which is a flower

....homo

Time for some much needed optimism

After Randy Johnson struck out the first six Phillies he faced, I rested my head down on my pillow and started to dose off. After a day of work, I was far too exhausted to sit through another offensive-less game by our "powerhouse" baseball club. And by luck, fate or the grace of God, I woke up just as Burrell was getting walked in the 7th inning. The score was 3-0 and the Diamondbacks were heading to their bullpen. Still a little sleepy and out of it, I hear that Ryan Howard is coming in to pinch hit...

Yesterday, the horrible pessimist in me asked the question "Why are we Phillies fans?" Well the answer became clear again last night in the form of Harry Kalas with the help of Howard.

Bases loaded with nobody out. LONG DRIVE TO DEEP RIGHT FIELD. GRAND SLAM HOMERUN, RYAN HOWARD!!

Now I'm not going to declare that all is good in the hood of Phillies baseball, but how many times do we get to be optimistic? So lets look back at this previous series and pick out the good:

• Starting pitching:
  
• Garcia went six strong giving up 2 runs. He could have went more but was pulled for a pinch hitter
• Eaton went seven innings and gave up 3 runs. It was his second best start of the season and brought his ERA waaay down to 7.43!!
• Moyer did his thing. 7+ innings giving up 3 or less runs. What more can we ask?
• Brett Myers
• He only got in one game but recorded 6 outs for his 3rd save in as many tries. Do we finally have a reliable closer?
• Uhhh...
• Wow, I think that's it.

The Phillies have experienced their share of April showers and could be in line for another June Swoon, so what do the Phillies have to do to ensure that this won't be a Gay May?

13 of the next 19 games will be played in the friendly (sometimes) confines of Citizens Bank Park. And no matter how much we verbally kill Gordon and Madson, they are very big parts of our bullpen. If the Phillies can hover around .500 until they get back and help to stabilize the relief corps, we should still be okay. And here are where the big IFs come into play.

• IF Ryan Madson comes back healthy and continues to pitch the way he had before he went on the DL, we have a decent 7th inning guy to compliment Geary
• IF Tom Gordon can come back and not completely suck, we may have a set-up man
• IF the rest was good for Ryan Howard and he learns how to make contact again, we may have our slugger back
• IF Eaton shows that he isn't as bad as 8.18 and can hover around 5.00, we may have a chance to win when he pitches
• IF Garcia was treating April like a Spring Training and can get us into the 7th inning on a regular basis, we won't cry every time Gio Gonzalez is mentioned
• IF Pat Burrell stops playing this practical joke on Philadelphia and gets his power stroke back, we may finally get some more homeruns on this team
• And the biggest IF of all: IF Manuel gets kidnapped by pirates and taken away to some mysterious island off the coast of Africa, we may win a few more games...if only

So for the month of May, I won't be losing sleep over a record that is .500 or even sub-.500. It is asking a lot of any fan (especially Phillies phans) to remain optimistic and patient in the face of hardship, but if we are still somewhere in it when we get this team healthy again...we still got a shot.

A very random assortment of Phillies thoughts

Two interesting tidbits (all prior to last nights game)

• Of the 14 games the Phillies have won this season, the offense had to score 6 or more runs 11 times to win. They scored 5 runs once and 4 runs twice. So basically, on average, the Phillies need to score over 5 runs to win a game.
  
• The Phillies are averaging .9 homeruns a game. They have hit only 29 in 32 games. Imagine this number if you take away Rollins nine inexplainable homers in April.

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Yours truly is a staunch believer that a lineup greatly affects the outcome of a game. Maybe someone smarter than me can explain Manuel's lineup.

Rowand
Victorino
Rollins
Utley
Burrell
Dobbs
Nunez
Ruiz

The top five I'm decently satisfied with. I'd much rather see Victorino leadoff than Rowand. But why is Dobbs (a .188 hitter) batting 6th and Nunez (a .125 hitter vs righties) batting 7th...both ahead of Ruiz (a .293 hitter)? Maybe I'm just nitpicking every move Manuel makes, but I honestly can't recall a manager in recent history to make me shake my head this much.

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I google-image searched Abraham Nunez and for some reason this picture of Angelina Jolie popped up:

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Chase Utley is such a man and loves women so much, that after he noticed the jacuzzi at Chase Field was full of bikini-clad women, he hit a homerun to them. These girls then all fought each other to the death to see who was truly worthy to hold Utley's balls.



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I really don't like Baxter the Bobcat, the Diamondbacks mascot. He just seems evil. I bet the Phanatic would kick the shit out of him.

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Have you ever seen Conan O'brien's If They Mated? It's where they take two celebrities and guess what there children would look like. An example of Derek Jeter and Anna Kournikova:

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Well, my super computer has this technology and I mixed our past GMs. So what if Ed Wade and Pat Gillick mated:

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I was going to post a picture of an ugly monkey or a donkey, but I felt that with how much these two have tortured us the past decade, they must have some connection with the devil himself.
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14-19 Someone tell me again why we are Phillies fans?

Pat Gillick vs the NL

Well, I apparently hit a hot button yesterday with the Sopranos, so I'm going to stick to something more agreeable today. The subject of Tuesday will focus on the ineptitude of Pat Gillick. Not as a just a GM, but as National League GM.

Gillick's three previous stops as a General Manager have been Toronto, Baltimore and Seattle. Yea, we all know he "built winners" there and has gotten every team into the playoffs, blah blah blah. The one thing that I think plays heavily into these equations, however, is the League Gillick was in: American. I'm not saying that it is easier to put together a team in the AL, just that Gillick can't do it in the NL.

There is one major difference between the NL and AL, and that is obviously the Designated Hitter. Having a DH affects two major areas. The first being the bench, since pinch hitting isn't as crucial and double switches are not as relevant. The second is the bullpen, since there is no spot for the pitcher to hit, you can basically leave your starter in the game until he tires or starts being ineffective. And regardless of what you may think about our light-hitting outfield or our 3rd basemen or Adam Eaton, the biggest flaws on this team are currently the bullpen and the bench.

The Bench:

• Nunez - .220 AVG / .533 OPS
• Dobbs - .194 AVG / .547 OPS
• Barajas - .195 AVG / .719 OPS
  
• Werth - .273 AVG / .671 OPS
• Bourn - .235 AVG / .703 OPS

I don't expect allstars to be warming up the bench, but this is clearly a sub-par group of players. Bourn is good for speed and I guess Nunez has a good glove, but what more can you really count on these guys for?


The Bullpen:

• Rosario
• Hernandez
• Castro
• Condrey
• And we used to have someone named "Smith" in there too

All four (five) of these players are AAA players at best. Castro will develop into a better pitcher with more seasoning and Condrey has been decent in blow-out situations, but none of these pitchers really deserve a more prominent role than that of a "mop-up" reliever.


Look, Gillick clearly knows more about baseball than I do. I just wonder if he has grasped the concept of how important a bench and bullpen are in the National League. Add all of this to the fact that we have Charlie Manuel as our manager. A guy whose previous stop as a manager was in Cleveland, an American League team. Giving him 4 minor leaguers for a bullpen is just asking for trouble.

Simply put: We have an American League GM with an American League manager playing in an American League-sized ballpark trying to put together a National League team.

...maybe that is the problem

Sopranos & Entourage

Sunday Night Baseball is okay. I love getting away from Wheeler and Sarge for a day, even though Jon Miller and Joe Morgan are no great replacements. And I love seeing our boys in red getting national coverage, even though the greedy bastards at ESPN only televised last night's game because of Balco Barry. And I do love ESPN's high definition a lot better than Comcast's. But when the Sopranos and Entourage are also shown on Sunday nights, it sends my life into conflict. So I can't talk about last night's win in too much detail, besides the first three innings and the last 2. I will instead bring these two television shows into today's post and compare them to two pitchers.





= Cole Hamels









= Roger Clemens






Let me explain... and if you don't watch these television programs, I apologize.

Cole Hamels is an all out stud. If you read this site or any other Phillies blog out there, you already know the infatuation that we Phillies fans have with him. Example: Cole Hamels Facts. And at only 23 years of age, we can expect greatness for many years to come. Last night's game is an example. Even with a retard playing 3rd base, Hamels was able to overcome some early struggles and gave the Phillies enough pitching to win. There is no ceiling for Hamels' career and even when the Phillies suck, watching him every 5th game will be an event.

And much like Cole, Entourage is amazing. Every episode (like everyone of Cole's starts) is an event and is sure to please. Only in its third season, Entourage will delight fans for years to come...just like Hamels is expected to do. It is a show about 4 best friends doing hot chicks in LA with one of the best characters of all time, Ari, playing as an agent. What's not to like? I find it hard for anyone to say something bad about Entourage, much like you can't say anything bad about Cole. Because if you do, chances are Hamels will kill you.

Then there is Roger Clemens. The man who I hate with an indescribable passion. He is setting one of the absolute worst precedents for baseball players. He is a legend and will undoubtedly make it to Cooperstown, but to pull this "I'm going to wait until midway through the season and PICK what team I want to play for" routine every season makes me violently ill. And to be making 28 million dollars is just an f-ing mockery. And on top of it all, he doesn't even travel with the team during a road trip if he isn't scheduled to pitch. During yesterday's Mariners/Yankees game, he announced to the crowd of New York jackasses that he is coming back to the Bronx. WHAT A FREAKING SLAP IN THE FACE TO THE SEATTLE TEAM!! That was George Steinbrenner's way of saying "Hey Mariners, we can buy our way out of our problems. It's a shame you don't share this luxury." I could rant about this for hours, possibly days. So I'll stop it by showing this picture of Clemens right before he makes man-love with Joe Perry. Look at the frosted colored tips on his gay hair.


And much like Clemens, Sopranos has gotten me in quite a rage recently. This show started out as one of the coolest series HBO has ever shown. But much like Clemens, I have grown to hate it. Now in its final season, Sopranos has been one of the bigger disappointments of 2007. At the end of every episode this season, I get the same feeling of rage deep inside my gut that I did when I heard the news of Clemens returning to the Yankees. Both Roger and Sopranos have started out amazing and are now ending with frustration. Sopranos does, however, usually showcase naked strippers, which is something Clemens can never give me.

I Hate the West Coast

Stupid California with its stupid different time zone making this stupid team play late into the night. I hate it when games start at 10 o'clock. Some people have to go to bed early you know! It is currently 1:15 in the morning as I am writing this and I can't take much more. The game started off great. Runners were being driven in with left and right by Phillies hitters and Adam "Gavin Floyd" Eaton was pitching well. Something was fishy.

Good starting pitching from a bad pitcher + runners not being left on base = a twilight zone...or as I call it, a "philight zone"


Then sure enough, Eaton starts sucking and we must go to our bullpen too early AGAIN! At the time of this post, it is 9-7 Phillies. Can these bastards hold onto a game where they once led 9-2?

If I wake up and read something like "Phillies bats come alive but pitching falters" on Phillies.com, I'm breaking a lamp.
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and sorry for saying philight zone...I thought it was clever.

also, reread this

Make this a sentence

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A Mixed Bag of Emotions

I said it. I almost jinxed Philadelphia last night. After Rollins lead off with a base hit and Rowand walked, I turned to my two roommates and said these exact words: "Yo, this game is in the bag. Hamels vs Redman isn't even fair." Sure enough Utley and Howard lined out. Then Burrell popped up on the first pitch. My foot started its way towards my mouth.

Hamels, our pimpass ace, gives up a leadoff double, then a homerun to Chipper Jones. By the end of the inning, Cole seemed lucky to get out alive with only 3 runs given up. I don't think I could describe to you in text the anger and extreme frustration I was feeling at the end of the first. This baby to right is the best way I can describe it.

But then something uplifting happened. The Phillies battled back for four runs and knocked Redman out of the game. This caused the Braves to go to their bullpen a hell of a lot earlier than they would ever plan. Also, Brian McCann was literally knocked out of the game by Barajas. No McCann and signs of a potent offense had me feeling more like this baby now.

But Hamels, who struggled in his first inning, got into another jam in the 2nd, by giving up a lead off double to Wilson. Some smart defense by Utley saved his ass. I was feeling very unsure at this point what to make of Hamels. See baby.


But as we all know, the Phillies won and everything ended on a happy note for us phans. But besides FINALLY beating the Braves, the most encouraging thing to come out of last nights game is the maturity of Hamels. We are watching him grow into an ace right before our eyes. After not being able to locate anything in the first 2 innings, he settled down and controlled a potent Braves offense until the 8th inning, when Chipper went deep for a second time. My feelings during that homerun, once again, described by the baby.

Another very positive note: Myers has seemed to adjust to life in the bullpen and has been the sigh of relief we have been waiting for in the eighth inning. The ninth may still be tricky, but if flash can get his curveball back, I will find myself feeling like these monkeys a lot more often:

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and don't ask me why I used pictures of babies throughout this post. I have no rhyme or reason for it...

April: A look back at the month that was

All throughout spring training, Phillies fans prayed to the baseball gods to have their team finish better than 10-14. Well, at 11-14 we all got our wish. So why am I not thrilled? How about we take a brief look back at April to see exactly what happened:

Week One: 1-5

• After being swept by the Braves and losing 2 of 3 to the Marlins, Phillies' fans started to get that familiar feeling deep inside their gut. Manuel's head was being called for by game 3 and Gillick was getting a big "fuck you" from every fan he came across. The reason?...a shitty bullpen that Pat could not fix.

• State of the Phan: Suicidal Tendencies. Remove all sharp objects, ropes and pills from anyone wearing red.

Week Two: 2-3, Phillies: 3-8

• A heartbreaking loss to the Mets combined with losing the series at Shea, had the Eagles draft talk starting earlier than usual this April. The Bullpen was still a huge issue, as the offense was starting to rise up the "cause for concern" ladder. Manuel was still on the hot seat and my hatred for Jose Reyes was rising. Also, the realization that Chris Wheeler and Gary Matthews would share the booth for 9 whole innings started to push some fans closer to the edge. Philadelphia held the title of "worst in baseball."

• State of the Phan: Hanging. The cuts were made and knots were tied. There was maybe one/possibly two good things about the Phillies at this point.

Week Three: 3-3, Phillies: 6-11

• After two straight rain delays, fans were thankful the weather gave them a temporary break from the depression that was the Phillies. They were blown out by the Mets, then lost a tough one in extra innings to the Nationals. Myers, the opening day starter, was demoted to a set-up role in the bullpen. Manuel almost fought Howard Eskin and College Nights were getting out of control. The Phillies did win their first series, however, versus Cincinnati, which was highlighted by a 15 strikeout performance by our newly appointed ace. Also, on April 22nd, the Phillies won two games in a row for the first time.

• State of the Phan: Unenthusiastic. Hamels performance was stellar, but 5 games under .500 was still a big hurdle to overcome

Week Four: 5-3, Phillies: 11-14

• A five game winning streak! Why did we ever doubt these guys? The offense finally woke up as the Phillies won two more series, making it three in a row. Rowand, Rollins and Utley were leading the charge and the bullpen miraculously stabilized. The hole we dug and sat in during the first three weeks was becoming smaller.

• State of the Phan: Hopeful. We still can pick out the obvious flaws, but you can't win 5 in a row and be that bad, can you?

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Stud of the Month: J-Roll...J-Roll J-Roll J-Roll
- Finishing the month batting .298 with 9 homeruns, 18 RBIs and 26 runs scored, Rollins backed up his "team to beat" feelings. Unfortunately, he was one of the only players to do so.

Dud of the Month: Adam Eaton
- Making 8 million dollars for the next three years shows what a horrible debacle baseball has become. A 7.71 ERA to go along with a 1.64 WHIP, what the hell was Pat Gillick thinking?

Pleasant Surprise of the Month: Aaron Rowand
- I was hoping Rowand would be gone before the season started. Not because I don't like him, I just didn't think he was good enough to keep around. At .378, however, he put my foot in my mouth. I'm sorry Aaron. Forgive me?

Depressing Player of the Month: Ryan Howard
- At .221 and only 3 homers, the reigning MVP has hurt the heart of the Phillies order. Is it time to worry about a 2003-Burrell-like season?

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May
If Myers can settle in to become a dominant reliever, I can't see Manuel trusting Tom Gordon in the ninth that much longer. Don't kid yourself, the bullpen is still a problem and will unfortunately cost us some games down the line. But I don't think this is our only concern:

• Will Garcia finally step up and pitch past the 6th?
  
• Will Eaton stop sucking?
  
• How long until Ryan Howard is moved down in the lineup?
• Why does Burrell only have one homerun?
• How much does Manuel hurt this team?
• WHY IS NUNEZ STILL STARTING GAMES?
  

Only eight games in May will be played against NL East rivals, and none of them will be against New York. The Phillies will need to be at .500 by the time they come home from this road trip to keep some fans interested. Hopefully the warmer weather heats up the Phillies' bats and they finish the month a lot better than April. We may find out who the Phillies truly are.