Wednesday, July 11

Utley, Cole, and Rowand: All-Star Game Running Diary


So Driven to Deep Center is back with a vegenence here at the halfway point of the season. The Fightin' Phils are 4 1/2 back and some of their finest are playing in the Mid-Summer Classic. So I decided to do a running diary, Bill Simmons style. Also, yours truely will be featured on the new Phillies Podcast starting tomorrow at http://www.philscast.com/. So, without further ado, let's see how the All-Star Game went.



8:21- Old-timer’s game of MVP Baseball 2005 ran late so I’m just getting to the All-Star Game. Game ended when Jackie Robinson scored from second on a ball hit by Eddie Matthews…Ty Cobb was pissed.

8:25-Shakey camera work by the awful employees of Fox during the starters intro makes my buddy, John say, “I’m getting nauseous and McCarver hasn’t even spoken yet.” God bless Fox Sports.

8:26-Introducing the 2008 shortstop for the Boston Red Sox, Number 3, Alex Rodriguez!!! (followed by Tigers 2nd Baseman Placido Polanco, which makes me sad)

8:27: Bonds gets introduced to cheers (strange to watch) followed by Griffey, which makes me think of my steroids theory. Everyone seems to agree that Griffey would have been the Home-Run King had he never gotten hurt, and Bonds has gotten there with a pharmaceutical leg-up, and isn’t even grateful. He’s gotten away with murder and he’s still a dick to people. So I believe in my heart of hearts that Griffey (unabashed LOVER of the game who is the consummate good-guy) should get three to five years of taking steroids for free, just to see what happens.

8:30-THIS IS OUUUUUUUURRRRR COUNTRAAAAAY!!!!

8:33-Creepy a capella “Star-Spangled Banner” with two dudes giving each other bedroom-eyes through the whole song…Ty Cobb is pissed.

8:34-F-18 flyover accompanied by U2 music. When did U2 become the go-to background music for movies and television? No wonder Bono is spending most of his time in Africa, just out of sheer embarrassment.

8:36-Video tribute to Willy Mays in San Francisco. Ted Williams said the All-Star game was made for guys like Mays. Ty Cobb calls Teddy Ballgame a race traitor.

8:37-Mays comes out on the field being led by the hand by Bonds. The closest analogy I can make to this is if George W. Bush came out for the State of the Union on an ATV wearing the Constitution as a diaper and dragging FDR on his wheelchair by a rope.

8:42- Commercial for “Back to You” starring Kelsey Grammar playing a news anchor named “Crasier Fane.” Bask in the originality Fox, bask.

8:45-Pizza just got here, blog might suffer.

8:52- My buddy John says National League is a “stone-cold lock” to win the game.

8:53-Ichiro leads off the game with a single for the American League. I laugh at John.

8:57-Double-play for the NL. Watching Jose Reyes toss it to Chase Utley leaves a bad taste in my mouth…time for more pizza.

8:59-David Ortiz’s necklace looks like lost Aztec Gold.

9:00-Chase Utley inaugurates the Chase Utley Face, as Prince Fielder drops one of the easiest tosses ever. I have a feeling he makes the same one when Burrell strikes out because he’s taking a phone call from Heather Mitts…AJ Feely is pissed.


9:05-Joe Buck tells me how to feel for the first time tonight, saying “Bonds SHOULD be here.”

9:07-Bonds pops out.

Ok, here’s something that pisses me off. Joe Buck is fine with Barry Bonds as a human being but Randy Moss is worse than Hitler? So, let me get this straight, defraud the game, cheat, and usurp its most hallowed record, and you’re a misunderstood hero. Faux-moon Packers fans and you’re in OJ territory? People like Joe Buck are the reason people get so upset over shit like Don Imus.


9:12-It’s STILL fun to watch Ken Griffey Jr. play baseball.

9:13-Griffey plays for the Reds. Pizza sauce is red. Griffey wants me to have another slice.

9:16-DHL commercial joking about Kenny Lofton getting traded to the Red Sox makes me shit my pants.

9:25-Tim McCarver basically calls Russell Martin’s dad a street hobo.

9:26-Great catch by future Red Sox shortstop Alex Rodriguez.

9:27-Utley flies out but looks sexy doing it.

9:30-Tim McCarver is unbelievably happy with himself for adding 326 and 1 to make 327. This actually IS a major accomplishment for him.

9:36-Ichiro is 2-2 against Jake Peavy and Ben Sheets. Remember when Pat Gillick could run a team?

9:41-Very few things get to me like Dane Cook narrating over Joe Carter taking Mitch Williams deep. Thanks for the memories Fox. And Dane, that’s enough. I mean, forever. That’s enough.


9:43-Jose Reyes actually HITS a knuckleball. I don’t mean Josh Beckett threw one, I mean Jose Reyes’ bat knocked a ball that THEN knuckled and got past A-Rod. God do I hate the Mets.

9:44-Interview with Jim Leyland who is going through nicotine withdrawal. If you could still smoke in the dugout he would beat Carl Yastrzemski’s All-Star game record of 44 Marlboro Reds.

9:50-THIS IS OOUUUUURRRRR COUNTRAAAAAAY!!!!

9:51-A-Rod gets a base hit off Hamels, then steals 2nd following a video montage dedicated to him set to “Don’t Stop Believing” that abruptly fades to black. David Chase sues.

9:54- Text message convo with my buddy Dan involving weekend plans:
Me: You still going to Boston this weekend?
Dan: Actually, I’m not now.
Me: Aw, gay.
Dan: No, gay is that I’m not going so I can butt fuck some dude.
I feel like you need to know these things.

9:56-Griffey catches a bounce from Magglio then GUNS A-Rod down at the plate to end the inning. I can’t say enough about this guy!

10:08-Tim McCarver: “That Padres Cubs game…it was like Battle of Thermopylae II in Chicago that day.”
What does that even mean???? Were 300 Cubs standing on the base line keeping 1 million Padres from getting to first? Is Derek Lee actually King Leonidas? Was Trevor Hoffman asking Alfonso Soriano to kneel? This is madness...THIS IS WRIGLEY!!!!!!

10:12-Ichiro knocks an inside-the-park home run off the brick wall in right. He’s 3-3 with 2 RBIs and almost a lock for the All-Star Game MVP. Again, remember when Pat Gillick wasn’t in a coma?

10:13-Eric Byrnes pushes his dog off a boat and into McCovey Cove. Tim McCarver is nonplussed.

10:15-This whole thing with Eric Byrnes and his dog is just weird. He even got told off by Joe Buck. Apparently the dog peed in McCovey Cove and mooned Tony LaRussa.

10:29-Carl Crawford hits one out to right field, prompting McCarver to say “Cordero gets it up, and so does Crawford.” He’s in rare form tonight. 3-1 AL.

10:34-Carlos Beltran looks like he’s wearing lipstick…doesn’t stop him from hitting a triple. Fucking Mets.

10:35-Griffey hits a sac-fly. 3-2. He has both RBIs for the National League. God do I love him.

10:39- John and I discuss how the Phillies should trade for Griffey and the possibility that “someone” could then just murder Pat Burrell to get out of his contract. This is the reality of being a Phillies fan. Goosebumps, my ass.



10:42-Realize that I need to leave soon to go see Harry Potter. My life is so rewarding.

10:49-Aaron Rowand, my favorite Phillie, is finally in the game. Rowand deserves to be there more than almost anyone on that field and no one is talking about him. Kevin Youkilis should be there too.

10:50-Paula Cole is there to sing during the Seventh Inning Stretch, and she looks GOD-AWFUL, not that she was ever a looker, but damn. This is fitting though, cuz “I don’t wanna wait, for the All-Star game to be over” and I need to go see my incredibly cool, non-dorky movie that will no doubt get my laid. So to you Phillies Nation, I say goodnight as I head out to Hogwarts.

Looks like she fell into Dawson's Creek and was ravaged by a bear looking for salmon.

3:00am-Just got back, saw Rowand popped out to end the game with Pujols staying on the bench. I guess LaRussa was thinking…I don’t know what the hell he’s thinking. So home-field goes to the Red Sox in the 2007 World Series. Just a brilliant job all around by LaRussa and Tim McCarver. Definitely a night for the ages.

119 comments:

GM-Carson said...

Awesome fuckin' post...made me laught throughout.

1st- Griffey is awesome, the Kid would be a great Phillie even at 37 years old and brittle.

2nd- I will be going to see the new Harry Potter too, as soon as I finish the Order of the Phoenix book...too many fuckin' pages!

3rd- I hate the fuckin' Mets with every fiber of my body.

4th- Driven to Deep Center needs to start posting more regularly again.

Skeeter said...

Wow...reading a new post on DTDC brought a slight tear to my eye. I am ashamed that I have let this blog slip into obscurity. I hope this is the beginning of a revival effort for DTDC. I feel readers were lost....but we still got Carson and that is good enough for me.

And fuck fox...they talked about bonds throughout half the game. Fox and ESPN can be the worst things to do with sports sometimes.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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and I love Griffey too.
.
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.
also...you guys are gay for loving Harry Potter

GM-Carson said...

Skeeter...make a comeback!!!

Jacobin said...

Wow, Skeeter posted to his blog! We missed Skeeter and his posts. Keep posting!!!

Now it'll just be a day or two before those homo pictures of the mets show up again...

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