Contraband

There was talk going on by some readers yesterday about some analogies for the Phillies and Charlie Manuel. And in the past week, I have talked about how the Phillies are like a drug that you can't quit no matter what it is doing to you. So I have compiled a list of different vices that I feel are comparable to the 2007 Philadelphia Phillies.

Charlie Manuel: Heroin

Our trusty skipper is a downer. Much like heroin. Our trusty skipper is painful. Much like heroin. Our trusty skipper, according to Gillick, will be around for awhile. And just like Manuel's job security, an addiction to heroin will unfortunately stick with you for quite some time. Heroin is also an embarrassing habit that everyone attempts to keep a secret. This is tough, however, due to the marks it leaves on your arms. Manuel is also an embarrassment that we fans wish to keep out of the public eye. But with the media hungry whores that we are, Manuel is everywhere. We need to kick this habit.

Offense: Caffeine/Energy Drinks
Coming into the season, the Phillies offense was suppose to be one of the most high powered and dangerous lineups in the National League. Lead by Rollins and powered by Howard, they were expected to put up 5+ runs every night. And they look promising...half of the time. They get on base at a ridiculously high rate and always have men in scoring position. This is where the caffeine kicks in. We, as die-hard fans, get jacked up and ready for a big inning. But much like red bull and coffee, we crash very hardly due to their inability to score runs. The offense gets us up, then sets us right back down.

Starting Rotation: Alcohol

The first two and half weeks of the season have been up and down for the starting staff. Garcia is out, then in. Myers is dominant, then horrible, then demoted. Sergovia spot starts then goes back down. Eaton sucks, then produces quality, then goes average. Saves the lefties, our starters have been an incredibly inconsistent bunch. Getting drunk is the same way. When drinking beer, I'm a happy drunk. I've never drank vodka without getting sick. Rum is a liquor that goes down smoother than water, while I can't take more than 2 sips of gin. Whiskey...well whiskey may turn me into the incredible hulk. Basically, from drink to drink and start to start, both the rotation and alcohol will always act differently.

The Bullpen: Going to a truck stop bathroom at 3AM wearing chaps and Elton John sunglasses

Coming into the season, we knew the bullpen was bad. We all knew that it would suck and that it wasn't wise to start 2007 with the relief staff we had. It was a poor decision on Gillick's part to enter the season with no set-up man and no backup closer. And much like going forward with our bullpen, it is NEVER a good idea to stop at a truck stop late at night, go into the bathroom with your best pair of chaps on while sporting some "Sir Elton" shades. Both the bullpen and this scenario are equally horribly.

Pat Gillick: Gambling habit

This is one of the only analogies that is true. Pat Gillick must have a very bad gambling addiction and it is one that is currently killing this baseball team. So far, he has gambled on:

• Ryan Franklin
• Alex Gonzalez
• Abraham Nunez
• Julio Santana
• Rod Barajas
• Ricardo Rodriguez for Padilla
• Karim Garcia

It is still too early for Barajas, but all of these moves ended up as failures for Gillick and the Phillies. Like most gambles, Pat lost money with these chumps.
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I also just noticed the date: 4/20. I guess I should have compared something on this team to weed. Hmmm....